Get Ready to Light Your Lamp and Dance!

Get Ready to Light Your Lamp and Dance!

"One Year" 10/10/10

October 10, 2010

It has now been exactly a year since my love has gone to see His Jesus. One year…..one long year. Tonight as I was doing the dishes I was contemplating whether or not I was going to allow myself to think back on Jacob’s last hours. Every time I go there it puts a pain in the depths of my soul. It’s like reliving a nightmare that really happened. In fact, just the other morning, I was preparing for my day and my mind began to go back to those last dark moments he spent in this life. It instantly brought pain to my heart and the threat of a dark shadow to my day. Then suddenly I exclaimed out loud to myself, ‘Dawn, what in the world are you doing this for? Jacob certainly isn’t dwelling on those hurtful moments! He is not being tormented by their memory! So, why should you?”

So this first year anniversary of Jacob’s “Homecoming,” I decided there at the sink that it would be so much more uplifting and comforting to my soul to look back on his last breath through his eyes. That night we saw two totally different things. So humor me, would you, and let my make a stab at it. One day I will get the truly accurate version, but for now, this will have to do.

Jacob’s Account: During those last few hours of my life on earth I could feel myself drifting farther and farther away. I could hear Jesus talking to me. I began to see glimpses of the amazing new life that I was about to step into. Jesus was preparing to take me soon. I could just feel it. I began to grow impatient. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I longed to feel strong again. Sitting in my chair of sickness had grown so old and boring. Couldn’t we speed this up. “Just a few more hours,” I could hear the angel say……and then, it happened. All of a sudden, I opened my eyes and everything was so brilliant. Instantly, I felt strength that I have never know flow through every fiber of my being. I felt so refreshed and renewed. I thought to myself, “Uh oh, it happened! Dawn is not going to be happy!” But, I couldn’t help myself, I was thrilled beyond words! I knew that Jesus would take very good care of my girl and that it wouldn’t be long before she would be coming behind me.

Next I looked down at my body and it was clean and brand new. There were no signs of cancer at all. Oh, if only Dawn could see me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I began to run and leap and dance for joy. I felt wonderful…amazing…..fabulous. Just about this time I looked up and saw my King. He was standing there just watching me with this big smile on His beautiful face. I froze in utter awe of His Majesty. I didn’t know whether to fall on my face or jump up and down ..….and then, He opened His arms to me and I ran to my Jesus and threw myself into His arms of love. My heart was about to burst for joy. I was in the arms of my Savior. This had truly been the best day of my life. I was healed and safely home. “Thank you, my Jesus.” Jesus and I then turned and together with His arm around my shoulder, began to walk through one of the pearly gates. Right before we entered the glorious city, Jesus whispered in my ear and I began to smile when He said, “ Dawn and the children will be well cared for by my hand and before you know it, they will be here too.”

Words can not describe how deeply I love my Jesus. He has been so faithful and true. This last year I have felt more pain than I have ever known before. At times, it seemed to hurtful to even take another breath or walk one more step. Many a night I have cried in the darkness. The agony of my soul poured out through my tears. Day after day I have had to face without my soul mate right by my side. At times I would feel strong and then the grief would crash down on me like a tidal wave on an unsuspecting village. But, through it all, my Jesus has held me. For He has chosen “this cup” for the Jacob and Dawn Cole family to drink. But He does not ask us to do it alone. He will see us through to the end. His plan will be worth it all and will bring honor to His name. And one day we shall see the beauty of His master piece.

This is one of my lifeline verses that I have posted in several spots in my home.

“And He said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Most gladly will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities……..in distresses, for Christ’s sake, for when I am weak then am I strong.”

1 Cor.12:9-10

Every day, from now till Jesus comes, I will live in the power of Christ. For in myself, I simply can not do it, but with Jesus in me, I CAN AND WILL.

Jacob holds my heart and always will. I miss my darling, beyond words. Caleb, Clayton, Lacey, Lydia and I talk of Heaven every day. It is always near to our hearts.

We love you Jacob – see you in Heaven!

The Beautiful Gift of Salvation

Today marks 10 months since my darling moved to his new and everlasting home. Isn't it wonderful that as Christians we can look at it like this. Death for us is not the final end of life but instead only the beginning of truly living!!
Tonight the kids and I put in a couple home dvds of daddy. It was truly wonderful to see him and watch him and hear him. So dear....so familiar. There he was - his laughing sweet self. Just as if he was in the room. It was so good for the kids and me. How much we MISS him.
Tonight as I was watching it hit me. I am so so so very blessed that every time our children tell me how much they miss daddy - that I can look them in the eye and say, " I know, me too...BUT, we WILL SEE HIM AGAIN!!" Not every one can say that to their children, sad to say, but all too true. I am overwhelmed by the gift of salvation that Jesus has freely given. It is truly a beautiful gift - priceless beyond comprehension. Jesus not only wants to see our joy in beholding His face for the first time, but also, to see our faces LIGHT UP when we see those we have loved in the past life. And he made it all possible on the cross of suffering for us...so that we don't have to but instead can live in paradise forever.
Listen to this, I Thes. 4:13 - 18 " But I would not have you to be ignorant brothers, concerning them which are asleep that you sorrow not even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with Him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord that we which are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trump of God. The dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words."
A glorious and wonderful day is coming for all those who are found in Jesus. And from looking at the world around us...I feel His coming is getting very close. Each and every day for us (the Cole family) is a whole lot brighter now that we have learned to walk in the present - with a constant excitement of eternity to come. What a delight! What a gift! What a joy!
Do you share in this same JOY? If not, Jesus extends this gift to you as well.....just waiting for you to take it. Please do not miss out on the joy that Jesus Christ has planned for you. It would blow your mind if you could see what Heaven is like - it is only an upgrade from the very best you have ever known in this life. Receive this beautiful gift of salvation.....do not wait until it is too late.

Jesus is Always Near

I am not sure if I mentioned before that our home in Idaho sold. Closing was June 3. I am very thankful to the Lord for the rather quick sale of our home in this economy. The kids and I spent a couple weeks worth of time back in Coeurd'alene packing up the house. It was a very emotional time for me. I look back on it now and am so grateful it is over with. I am confident that I made the right decision to sell......and yet, of course it was still hard to say goodbye to the home that started as such a fun "dream" for Jacob and me. As I walked throughout the empty house I was thankful that at least most the memories I was leaving there, were painful ones.......for, Jacob and I only lived there about a month and a half before the storm came crashing down around us. And yet, those walls that witnessed such intense sorrow and suffering, also bear testimony to the amazing sustaining grace of His Majesty our Savior and King. For, throughout Jacob's illness Jesus never left us....even for the slightest moment. And when the angels of the Most High came on Oct 10 to escort my Jacob to his Father's house, it was with great joy they entered those gates with him and presented him before the Lord. May I always think of it this way whenever I look back on this "dream" of ours that was cut short in this life only to give way to the next chapter in the book of the Master Planner. It's gonna be a good one, I know. And it's ending will ring with the glory of Jesus in having faithfully completed all He had purposed, just as did my man before me.
So with tremendous grace and strength from above I closed the door and left our home on Bardwell Dr.
Needless to mention, the kids and I were all rather exhausted when we arrived back home in Montana. It took us a few days to recover...they more quickly than I as children are so good at.
I have been given new strength in being a single mommy. The Lord and I had a parenting discussion soon after my homecoming. It is not an easy thing to not have Jacob here partnering with me in this great task as hand. It is once again another dream of ours that did not turn out the way we thought and had planned it would. But in my weakness and acknowledgment of my inability to do this on my own, Jesus has given me His strength. And when you are partners with the Master of all Creation, you will never fail. For "He gives power to the faint: and to them that have no might He increases strength....they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29 & 31
I have also been greatly inspired with this thought that came to me one day recently, " I am taking care of Jacob's greatest treasure - his children - and what a great and precious way to honor my love that to do my very best at caring for them. And to the best of my ability lead them in the way of Jesus so that one day my Jacob will see his children again. What joy that will be to be able to present Jacob with his children again in the Kingdom of our God. It will be a moment of unspeakable happiness......." And so when the days get long and draining, I can think of my love for Jacob as I care for his greatest treasure. It will all be worth it to see them together again.
Our little Lydia will be one year old tomorrow (June 18). She is developing quite a personality. She often cracks us up by her stubbornness in not wanting to learn to walk. All the Cole children have walked well before a year old, but not little Missy. Oh no, she takes great delight in teasing us by promptly sitting down after we have balanced her and left her standing to make the few steps to walk to us. She may smile and laugh and try it (sort of - half heartedly)......but it's never top on her list. She does however love to climb up the stairs quick as a wink before you know she has even left the room. She enjoys snacks such as rocks and legos.......but prefers of course to find that missing jelly bean dropped by her older siblings. Her latest past time is to climb up and stand on the bathroom stool. It is right in front of the sink and so she holds on to the counter. Her little chin just reaches the top of the counter where she quite joyfully stands and sings to herself or pears around seeing what is within grasping range. There she remains contentedly that is, until she gets tired of standing and standing and standing...for you see, she can not get down on her own.....but, she has not problem letting us know she needs help....babies are so good at that!
Lacey turned 4 on May 12. She of course is rather proud of that accomplishment. She is quite the little chatter box........ never watch a movie with her for she will shower you with questions the whole time. I call her my little Snail for she takes forever to do simple things like eat her food at mealtime (that is unless it is ice cream or doughnuts), or get her PJ's on after bath time (because of course she can't decide which ones she wants to wear), or put her socks on when we are in a rush to leave (because not all the socks in her drawer are comfortable and she knows which is which)......the list could go on. And just for the record, no dress or skirt is even worth trying on let alone wearing if it DOES NOT TWIRL. Oh, and she is ghastly afraid of bugs...but especially spiders...even if they are dead.....because they may not really be dead at all, but only sleeping......ahhhhh!!! I do not have much patience for daughters who are afraid of bugs....She is truly a kick and I imagine Jesus and Jacob have a good laugh over her at times.
Clayton's mouth has healed completely. I do believe I reported about his fall and trip to the oral surgeon. He has found that his missing tooth has provided the perfect space to allow for the stick of a lollipop to fit through.....He did however manage to pick up a tick on his head somewhere here in the mountain forest.....actually probably from the fir trees in our yard. If any of you know about ticks, they must not be forced to leave without taking their head with them. That bugger would not let go, but with the help of a good friend, Clayton was finally freed of his little tag along.
Clayton is an amazing helper and whenever I have a job around the house that needs to be done well, I pick him. He had a great first year of Tball and enjoyed it very much. Kindergarten is coming up in the fall for him this year. I will then have two kids in home school. He is eager and ready to learn. I know he will do well.
Caleb is growing up so fast. I can hardly believe how big he is. He has two missing teeth in front and is just waiting for those big teeth to hurry up and grow in. They are not in any rush, apparently. He also had a super baseball season this year. Rain or shine, (which around here there was more rain than shine) he was ready to play. He will be going into second grade this fall. He does well and has a good head on his shoulders although I don't think he has as great an interest in it as will Clayton. Recently, Caleb has discovered the art of carving with his daddy's pocketknife. I finally let him have Jacob's little leather man's. I made sure he knew all the rules that went along with it, of course. He is quite proud of it. He recently had a beautiful dream of heaven and Jesus. I was so blessed to hear him tell me. Jesus is doing great things in our children.
Well, that is the report for now. I continue to press on every day knowing Jesus is by my side. Jacob is always in my heart. I love him more and more as time goes on. The bond we have has not been broken by death. Sometimes, I go outside and just throw my head back and look up into the depths of the sky and wonder what he is doing and what it all is like up there? I can hardly wait to be apart of it all. 1 Cor. 5:1-2,4,6-8 says it well, "For we know that if our earthly house of this tent be destroyed,we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven...For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life....There we are always confident, knowing that, while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord: (For we walk by faith and not by sight) We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord."
Also, one more thing. I want to be sure to add a thank you to you all. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers for us. Also thank you to those who send cards and gifts ($). Please know, I am always so very blessed and I truly want to be able to write each one of you and thank you personally. I have been working on that little by little. But in case I don't get a chance to write, please please know that how blessed I am for your love and support. Truly truly truly............

The Latest on Us

May has come to Montana and with it two inches of snow. I was quite shocked when I woke up to "white" outside! The kids had fun and it was completely gone by that afternoon....so, I guess it's o.k. It will be nice when it warms up for good though. Both the boys have started baseball and it's cold watching their games.........
I will try to give a quick update on our lives:
Our home in Idaho has sold. Closing is June 3. I will be returning to Coeurd'alene next week to start sorting and packing. Then I will come again right before closing to get everything out and moved to a storage locker there in town. We will continue to rent in Montana as we have been until our new home is finished. My plan is to buy the lot across the street from my parents home here in MT and build a house there. I will prayerfully proceed in this direction.
The kids are doing well. Caleb and Clayton have both started baseball, as I mentioned. They are really enjoying it. I am having fun watching them learn and grow. Their daddy would be proud and I believe is .....I think the Lord keeps him up to date on us (as much as would be appropriate anyway ).
Caleb has finally lost tooth number 4! This is a badge if honor to a 7 year old. And now, Clayton proudly wears his first badge as well. His however came rather prematurely to say the least. Last week he had quite an accident and did a face plant in our garage - he lost his balance while getting out of daddy's truck. I quickly ran around to his side just in time to see a screaming boy with a mouth full of blood. I got him calmed down with a cold wash cloth and then surveyed the damage. To make a long story short he was in to see the oral surgeon by that afternoon where he was stitched up in three different areas around and in his mouth. His front tooth was hanging and therefore the doctor just pulled it out. Praise the Lord, it was only a baby tooth!
Clayton did amazingly well and was very brave. Jesus was with him! ......
Lacey will be turning 4 very soon (May 12) and can hardly wait. She loves to talk about what her birthday party will be like. She is not much into the baseball thing, but would like to take swimming lessons again. She was taking them for awhile but when Jacob got sick we pulled her out. So, she is up for hitting the waves again!!!!!
And last but not least, Lydia, the little darling of the house - is doing great. She will be one on June 18 which is hard to believe. She is all smiles and some whimpering .....now that those teeth are coming in. She knows her daddy's picture and loves to reach out and touch it. She sometimes will even say, "da" when she sees it.
Then of course there is me. I am just the mom. The Lord continues to hold me and give me just enough strength for the day.... and then again for the next and the next and then next. It is not an easy path. It is often very hard, exhausting, and lonely - but He is taking me to a new place in Him that I have never known before. He has a plan and a purpose. I will keep trusting Him....not because everything in my life makes sense to me, but simply because I chose to honor Him in this way. For I do know without a doubt that all this makes perfect sense to Him who sees all and knows all and has planned it all to work for good in my life and the children. And as His coming draws closer by the day, He is at work purifying and refining me.........I have heard the hottest fires make the purest gold.....................All for His glory! And one day in His Kingdom, I shall gasp in amazement as my eyes behold the whole picture. It will be worth it all, I know. And Jacob will be there smiling with such joy knowing that together he and I fulfilled the Lord's calling for us during our lifetime!
Thank you all for still being interested in our lives. You are a blessing to us. Have a beautiful day in Jesus. For He loves each one of you more than you know.

March 10th came and went.....the 5 month mark of Jacob's leaving us for Jesus. Part of me wanted to scream and cry and say, "This was NOT o.k. with me. This was not the plan that we had for our lives. We were going to go into full time ministry and serve God and win souls for Christ......but, instead Jacob is with the Lord full time (literally!) and I am all alone with the kids in the woods in Montana....What in the heck????"
But as I was in prayer last night with hot tears rolling down my face I was reminded of my prayer long ago and how it has not changed. Years ago as I looked at my life I remember praying, " Oh, Jesus - my goal in life is to live in such a way that when my feet touch the Glory Land and I look into your eyes for the first time that I would hear you say, 'Dawn, Well done, my good and faithful servant.' .....and this prayer poured out once again last night. Things may seem like they are going all wrong according to my plans....and I may not be in the full time ministry like I thought I would in the way I thought, but......I do still sit in the very palm of His hand in the center of His perfect plan for me. And that is sufficient for me. And so as the tears came I cried to Him once again that I would be found faithful in His eyes simply living out what He has asked of me.....and one day my heart's dream will come to pass. No greater joy than to finish WELL and to bring joy to the King of Glory.
Also, I was reminded that in my weakness He is strong. 2 Cor. 12: 9-10 Jesus answered Paul's request to remove the thorn in his flesh from him with, "My grace is sufficient for you. For My strength is made perfect in weakness." I know he spoke this with such love and tenderness. I can just picture the same with me. As Jesus holds me at times when I cry and may even ask why, He sooths my hearts and says, "Yes, Dawn, I know..but remember, my grace is sufficient for you. For in my strength you are strong."........Paul then goes on to say, "Most gladly will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me.......for when I am weak, then am I strong." Paul had caught the vision and realized that in his weakness God could be most seen and magnified. For then it was all Jesus in the purest form and his glory was not dimmed by the fog of human strength.....So, in the days ahead I can have the joy of His strength being seen, of His power resting upon me, of His glory being proclaimed... for in my weakness He is strong.

Life in Montana

We have been in our new place now for just over a week....it seems like much longer....everything does now a days. Anyway, we are renting a furnished home in White Fish, Montana - which is a town right next to Kalispell where my parents live. It is a very large home with plenty of space for the kids to move about. It is out of town which is wonderful....so peaceful and quiet. The view out our back window is amazing. The Swam Mountain Range stands so majestic and white all covered in snow. I am adding a picture that I took from the back porch. The evening view is the most beauctiful for the setting sun turns the snow to a beautiful light pink. When I look at it I think of Jacob and the beauty he is beholding everyday!!! Oh, I just can't wait to see what Jesus has made for us His children. I get so annoyed at Jacob sometimes for getting there first!!!!!.....
I have put our home up for sale. I left all the furniture in it so it looks pretty for the showings. I am just praying it sells soon to the perfect new family. It is amazing how dreams can come and then be gone so quickly. I remember how excited Jacob and I were when we had that house built....but it just was not meant to be. Our Lord had another plan...one past all our understanding.....one that really really really is teaching us to TRUST Him even when we can not see or understand or figure it out. In the good times it is easy to say, " I will always trust you."..but what about when bad times come? What about when tragedy strikes for no reason - none that we can see anyway. Well, as my mother in law has said, " This is a time Jesus is teaching us to TRUST Him in a way we never have had to before."
So, in our week here we have settled in rather nicely. We really only brought toys and clothes and a few small other things. I rather like not having a bunch of other clutter around. This house has three stories and works out just so well. The girls and I are in the two rooms upstairs and the boys share a room on the middle floor. Then there is a fourth bedroom down in the basement that is just too far down for anyone to want to stay in. The basement however does offer a great family room with a gas stove. It is warm and cozy and we love it.
Lydia has learned to crawl although she much prefers scooting instead of a downright crawl. That she reserves when she has real incentive like when her grandpa Hasse has ice cream (don't worry - her daddy would approve for he himself fed his firstborn son ice cream before he could walk). She continues to be our happy nearly perfect baby. She has her daddy's blue eyes (which is the only one of our four children that does) and she has his cheerful personality which I just love and miss so terribly much.
The older three (Caleb, Clayton, and Lacey) seem to be doing quite well. They all have their moments or course for their little lives have been turned completely upside down.
Yesterday was one of those days that you wish you could just go to bed and end it.I won't go into it all but the icing on the cake was something the children and I will not soon forget. The home we are renting belongs to a kind women who is living in Boise right now. She kindly let us rent her home with warning that it was not made for children. (I came promply in and kid proofed it so we would not damaged her belongings.) I have instructed the kids over and over that we take very good care of Becky's things just like Jesus would want us to do. Well, in the basement there is a large flat screen TV with two very tall bookshelves with glass doors on either side. I am not really sure what happened but as I am working on school with Caleb on the table in the corner of the room, I hear something and turn my head just in time to see the left bookcase fall completely over...right on top of Clayton. I ran over and lifted it off him. He was not hurt at all (I know Jesus gets complete credit for that) but he was crying hysterically. Infact Clayton and Lacey were screaming and Caleb was so upset that he left the room. We all were shocked and completely appauled that Becky's bookcase was laying flat on the floor with glass all over..............I couldn't believe it! After being so careful and now look what happened. I could just see the dollars passing before my eyes on how much it would take to replace all this. But a very kind neighbor (who knows Becky and was actually here helping get the hot water heater fixed for it had gone out that day as well) came and very sweetly helped pick up the mess and get everything back into place. And as it turned out all that needed to be replaced were two broken drinking glasses that had been in the glass doors and one of the glass doors itself. Come to find out those tall shelves are very unstable. I had no idea - they look very stable.....anyway, Clayton felt horrible for it was truly an accident. And I felt horrible and very annoyed with him. But you know what? I am very thankful that Jesus protected him completely and he was not smashed by broken glass and that Lydia had been napping at the time for if she had been awake there is a very very good chance she would have been right there when it fell.............I told this kind neighbor man that Jesus watches over our family all the time! Needless to say, I was still very relieved when the end of the day came and I was able to fall down on my bed and just finish the day with Jesus alone and quiet! There is no Jacob to talk to for now, so Jesus and I talk now more than ever!
Today went much better. I actually took the kids ice skating. They have been before. Caleb is very stable and doing great. In fact I think the Olympics have inspired him for he did a jump and twirl and landed it just fine. Clayton and Lacey started off using the bars as they have before. But soon Clayton put it away and was skating like a champ by the end. He even figured out how to stop. He did amazing. Lacey also put away her bar and was skating with no help by the time we left. She is still more wobbly than her brothers, but she showed great progress. We had a fun time. As I was skating around I would look up and out the windows of the skating hall and there towering in front was an amazing view of the ski runs on Big Mountain. Of course this made me think of my man....he LOVED to ski. I know he is going to have a blast on the majestic mountains on the New Earth someday. He and I will have a blast together. See, what fun it is to be able to look forward to great times again. They will happen, my friends, to all who are found in Christ Jesus. We will all be able to explore together the amazing New Earth He has planned for He and us to spend eternity together on!!!! It is not far off........the time is rapidly drawing near!
Well, I guess that is about all for now. Please continue to pray for us. For I have not mentioned all the times of deep grief and desperately sorrowful moments of agonny as life goes on without Jacob. Sometimes it still seems unreal what has happened in our lives. Yes, there is much much pain that goes on behind closed doors that no one sees, but Jesus. It is far from easy....this road that we now walk along. And that is why it is so desperately important for me to cling to my Lord in complete trust - for had I not Him, I would be completely lost and without hope. I still do not understand....infact I think it has been this way for alot of you. We just do not understand "why" Jesus has taken Jacob. It has challenged us all.......but I believe in these last times our mighty God needs to have His children be able to TRUST him no matter what. No matter if we can understand it or not. No matter if is makes sense to us or not. For this world only is going to continue to grow worse - but He WILL NEVER FAIL US and we must cling to Him no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to all you and please keep your eyes on Jesus and commit your all to Him as never before. Until next time or heaven....whichever may come first, Dawn

Heaven's Window

I am finally getting a blog started. I have been advised to do this by several friends over time, but with the events of my most recent past life, time did not allow much extra to spend doing such things. But I think it will be nice to be able to sit down after a long day and just share some of the things on my heart with whoever feels like reading them.
Yesterday I was blessed beyond description. The day was busy with getting things in order for my upcoming move which involved emails and phone calls and making decisions about this and that - all of which involved having my brain work hard. I was tired....So, I put the kids in quiet time and laid Lydia down for her nap. I then went into my room and shut the door. I got on my knees before my Father and put my brain on pause from everything else but Him. I have a group of favorite songs that I often play. I turned these on and just let the words soothe my heart. Then and there it was as if Jesus opened Heaven's window for me for just awhile for I felt His presence so strong. I hesitate even sharing this, for it was so beautiful to me that I can't rightly describe it. But I know I was blessed that day with a special gift from my Jesus. As the music played the tears came in great abundance. Each song I listened to was about Heaven and the longing and excitement to be there and to see Jesus face to face. I felt my heart be completely overwhelmed with love for my Savior...the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And during that beautiful hour I felt His love upon me in such a powerful way. My mind went back to how He has never left my side for a moment my entire life. I can picture His form walking beside me....constant, faithful every moment. He drew me to Himself from the time I was a small child. He won my heart. And through the years of our time together He has taught me and grown me. He has showered blessings upon me as well as allowed trials both small and great to refine and purify my heart. Why, because of His "great love" for me.
I knelt there completely overwhelmed with the longing to see Him - to finally get to look into His eyes - to finally meet the One who has captivated my heart for as long as I can remember. I felt His peace as my heart was being refreshed.
The Lord is using the passing of my husband in so many ways in my own life and heart...beyond what I could ever have thought. It's as if my focus on the Goal has been intensified a thousand times over. He is coming soon, my friends. And He longs to return for His bride who is eager and longing for Him too. I feel a stirring, an awakening from deep within to be exceedingly faithful with His specific purpose for me upon this earth ....to train Jacob and my children to follow in His ways....to touch others with His great love..to follow Him with a heart that says,"I will trust You no matter what - even when I don't understand and when I don't know why"......for time is short. And when He appears, I want to have that joy unspeakable before Him knowing I gave Him my very best with the time He gave me.
What I felt yesterday during my moments with Him is only a small fraction of the grandness I will feel someday. To think that Jacob is experiencing this right now blows me away. Heaven has taken on a whole new meaning. I have been given a new awareness for how priceless the gift of eternal life is. Jesus gave His life so that someday He could spend eternity with us. And we can spend eternity with Him and with each other.
I know my husband has died, but he is still very much alive. It's so real to me that I feel as if I could almost pick up the phone and call him. Truly, he has never been more alive than he is right now. And as he walks those streets of gold I am sure we are on his mind and he can hardly wait til we too join him and get on to "really living." I know he thinks about the kids and me and I love that!


And now for a bit of an update on what the kids and I are doing:
I will be putting the house up for sale this week. I will leave all the furniture in place for showing. Then the kids and I will head up to Montana (where my parents are) and will be renting a furnished home there. I will use this time to see how things go and if that is where the Lord wants us to permanently relocate to. This will be an adjustment but once again, I know the Lord will be faithful and will be holding us every step of the way.

I miss my Jacob beyond words. I miss his voice. I miss his strong embrace. I miss his laugh. I miss his eyes........... But, as I look at his picture in our room here, I know I will one day be given another opportunity to have those things again! What a reason for JOY!